Day 16

You are all very welcome on this Wizz Air flight.....

Very early rise is not yet very well handled by my body. The alarm went of at 4 am CET and it wasn’t very pretty. I went to bed last night right after taking the meds in order to have few good hours, but again despite of the tiredness of past few days i still have trouble to fall into a real deep sleep. Hopefully this coming weekend will change that. The reason of my early rise is the fact that today i am traveling home for a long weekend and i am sooooooo looking forward to it. Not much planned apart of few friends coming over on Saturday night. By not much planned i mean that i will be spending a lot of time relaxing, catching up with the summer time change and the sleepless nights. I think you would agree that there is no better place to do that than my own bed (a very expensive one if i may add) and the fact that my hubby will be laying next to me. We are communicating on daily basis via SKYPE, however it will be his first time to experience me ‘in flesh’ since i started the meds. Being an ex-pat and traveling back home every couple of weeks was an additional problem with this treatment. He was insisting for me to stay home the first two weeks, however i really wanted to make things as normal as possible, hence decided that i will fly out and carry on as normal. More than 2 weeks after the first pill and i am glad i took this decision. I think sitting at home would make me very vulnerable and there was a real risk to fall into depression. If you have read the blog from the very beginning you would have noticed the emotional roller-coaster i was trying to express in the form of writing the blog. Having my mind occupied with work, dealing with customers and subcontractors as well as this blog kept me sane. I know that he was worried sick, but i really believe it was the right thing to do.

Trough the window of the Airbus 320 i am looking on the clouds beneath us, a perfect blue sky changing into a orange-yellow horizon line. This picture of endlessness and the Armin Van Buuren ‘Only Imagine’ playing trough the headphones brings me a wonderful calm feeling . Even the turbulences  and the screaming weans behind me do not bother me right now. I didn’t know i am able to put myself in such state of self control .. its almost like a self hypnosis. I am still very much aware of what is happening around me, yet my mind travels far away... trying to visualize in my mind the music i am hearing. No, trust me.. i am not ‘high’ or ‘stoned’ although it might seem that way. 

I think i need to check later on tour dates/places of Armin Van Buuren. I haven’t been in a good techno gig since seeing Tiesto couple years back. Even my dear friend, Miss Foo has recently commented via Facebook that it’s time to do something about it.

The captain switched the ‘please fasten Your seat belts on’ sign as we are starting to decent.....gosh i don’t like landings.

On the ground now and after 1 hour train journey i am finally home. Yes,that feels soooo good.  Outside, typical Scottish weather, as Glaswegians would say: It’s pissing down. The view of endlessness is also gone and replaced by gray thick clouds and wet air....but You know what...all that doesn’t matter, i am back home in Scotland and only that matters.

I will check some e-mails and make sure everything is fine in the office while waiting for my hubby to come home from work... 

Life is great

There is an APP for everything.....

... i take it all back what i said about my iPhone being slow.... it is the best phone in the world :) !

>>>source: www.positivenation.co.uk<<<

The University of Liverpool has launched an iPhone application - HIV iChart - that provides healthcare professionals and HIV patients with instant and easy access to information about drug interactions.

HIV iChart is a tool that provides HIV patients and healthcare professionals with immediate access to information on potential drug interactions between anti-HIV drugs and other medications that a patient with the virus may be taking.

Professor David Back, Professor of Pharmacology, said: “We are delighted to launch this application for iPhones that will provide HIV patients and healthcare professionals with instant and easy access to information about HIV drug interactions that is relevant, reliable and up-to-date. HIV iChart can be used on a hospital ward or in a clinic, in primary-care units, health centres and the community.

In addition to the HIV drugs interaction website, this new tool will increase awareness of how to manage the disease more effectively.”

Dr Ian Williams, Chair of the British HIV Association (BHIVA), said: “This technology provides a marvellous opportunity to greatly increase the ease of access to drug interaction information.  This is a way of helping to maintain best practice.”

HIV iChart is available free of charge and can be downloaded from the App store in iTunes. The application is compatible with both the iPhone and iPod touch and only requires web access for the initial download and updates.

Based on the University-developed website - www.hiv-druginteractions.org - which was developed to provide an up-to-date, evidence-based drug interaction resource, freely available to healthcare workers, patients and researchers providing up to date information on interactions which could occur between various anti-HIV drugs, and other medications sometimes prescribed to HIV+ patients.

The application has been created by the HIV Pharmacology Group at the University of Liverpool and developed with eMedFusion, a division of the KnowledgePoint360 Group. It is supported by the Elton John AIDS Foundation, MSD and Janssen.

HIV iChart was launched at the Tenth International Congress on Drug Therapy in HIV Infection which was held at the SECC in Glasgow.


FYI... i have downloaded the app (it's for FREE) and i have to say very practical. I will be using it frequently...

Day 14

Sleepless in.......

For the very first time in my life i have so much trouble with loosing one hour due to the time change to summer time. Its already third day since the clocks stole us 1 hour and i still can’t get over it. Please do not tell me that this is the sign of getting old. These jokes are not funny anymore. 

I am dead tired in the mornings trying to get out of bed, i am grumpy at work, i can’t focus or get motivated......and then,  suddenly when i am back at home the tiredness is gone. I do wonder... is that real tiredness, or am I simply fed up ? Fed up being so far away from home, fed up with my job (which is really boring in comparison with previous assignment in even further Eastern Europe), fed up with the weather, fed up with the water splashing out of my shower, fed up with the useless driver that parked the car so close to mine that i can’t get in, fed up with the politicians, with my iPhone because is too slow....

Third night in row i am laying wide awake at 2 am still, staring at the sealing, making my my mind work overtime.... and that’s DANGER DANGER DANGER.

Sometimes it is a very trivial stuff that is going through my head, like re-arranging furniture in my miniature living room or what am going to get for dinner tomorrow. 

There are also a times however, where all i can think of is my life, my HIV and the medication. 

All these years passed and i am still thinking of when and how i have caught the infection. I am almost certain when did that happen.. and yet, i do not have a 100% guarantee.

No, it wasn’t many of the potentially dangerous situations i exposed myself to (i am not that big slut). I know, it does sounds pathetic today, but I really have tried always to be very careful. Nevertheless, there were situations that, in the spark of the feeling of ecstasy during the sexual activities somewhere in the dark rooms of some sleazy gay bar, caused by alcohol mixed with some light drugs, didn’t care to trigger my body’s safety and security system.  So, why i can’t simply let it go ? Why do i torture myself with these thoughts ? These will not change the fact that today i am in the weak 2 of a HIV treatment.

During these sleepless nights my positive attitude that i am maintaining so easily during the day is not working. It is that time when, sadness, anger on myself, bitterness, confusion and feeling sorry for myself, comes out in form of cold sweat.

On top of these, now are also new thoughts, thoughts related to the treatment i have just started: Will it work ? Will the side effects not make my life miserable ? 

Last night, these ‘bad thoughts’ were so strong that at some point i was thinking that i feel the virus inside of me, destroying me from within. Instantly i have thought of Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics: “...The night is fallen, i am laying awake, i can feel myself, fading away, so receive me brother with Your faithless kiss...” 

...and in the morning all is fine again, apart of the the fact that i am tired again.

Do not worry dear reader, these sleepless nights are not happening very often and to some extend i do need such nights. I do need to remind myself sometimes how fragile my life is. This is a crucial factor in the evaluation process of its importance and the importance of other people that are such BIG part of my life.

...and by the way... I want to write a song !

Day 13

HOPE.......by Michael Stipe

..... suggestion for the Blog from my dear friend T

You want to go out Friday

And you want to go forever

You know that it sounds childish

That you dreamt of alligators

You hope that we are with you

And you hope you're recognized

You want to go forever

You see it in my eyes

I'm lost in the confusion

And it doesn't seem to matter

You really can't believe it

And you hope it's getting better

You want to trust the doctors

Their procedure is the best

But the last try was a failure

And the intern was a mess

And they did the same to Matthew

And he bled 'til Sunday night

They're saying don't be frightened

But you're weakened by the sight of it

You lock into a pattern

And you know that it's the last ditch

You're trying to see through it

And it doesn't make sense

But they're saying don't be frightened

And they're killing alligators

And they're hog-tied

And accepting of the struggle

You want to trust religion

And you know it's allegory

But the people who are followers

Have written their own story

So you look up to the heavens

And you hope that it's a spaceship

And it's something from your childhood

You're thinking don't be frightened

You want to climb the ladder

You want to see forever

You want to go out Friday

And you want to go forever

And you want to cross your DNA

To cross your DNA with something reptile

And you're questioning the sciences

And questioning religion

You're looking like an idiot

And you no longer care

And you want to bridge the schism,

A built-in mechanism to protect you

And you're looking for salvation

And you're looking for deliverance

You're looking like an idiot

And you no longer care

Day 12

Things we remember.....

What a blast. After so many years meeting my gay pals in a restaurant las night (nice Greek food by the way - need to take my hubby here on day) was sooooo refreshing. We’ve recognized each other right away and welcomed each other with big smiles and hugs. The conversation went flawless. Generally i am a quiet (not very outspoken) person and was a bit worried that there will be moments where will won’t have anything to say to each other. Thankfully that wasn’t the case, we had a great laugh and the memories we were re-callong weren’t the ‘filler’ of awkward silent moments, but simply an never ending source of laughter.

My dear sister VS already before the event commented on this evening as night out in town from ‘Sex in the City’. Even assigning the names to us, reserving the best for her self - Samantha. I have settled down for Miranda, although we are still discussing it with Carrie if perhaps we should exchange the names...

The night end up (for me anyway) in a newly opened trendy gay club. Sipping on the Bacardi and coke, watching the younger generation, new kids that have arrived in the big city, escaping  the perspective of a miserable life they would have if they would stay in the small towns and villages.......I saw us almost 20 years ago.....

I left the club as it was 2 hours after i took the pills and although the dizziness as a side effect is fading away, with few beers and B&C the feeling was pretty strong. 

My sister ‘Samantha’ has walked me home before ordering the TAXI (the flat is 3 blocks away). We‘ve talked about the evening. Yes, ok ok......we were bitching a little , but really in the nice way and we both agreed that it was FAB night out !

I wish my hubby was here....went to bed and i’ve felt i needed his arms around me.

This morning i have noticed that the rash is still there. It’s still not painful, perhaps only a little bit itchy.  I do not think this is anything to worry about. I will however monitor it closely in case it doesn’t go away in a day or two.

Apart of that i feel great. The sun in shining through my bedroom window, reflection of the cathedral in the very slow moving river is so clear that it looks like mirror image. The cathedral's bells were very settle today, every so often a sound of car or tram passing the bridge is interrupting the perfect silence. Beautiful spring Sunday morning and the only part missing is my D.......

Day 11

Reunion....

Despite that fact that this morning a strange rash appear on my inner legs and hips i am determine not to spoil my day. The rash is not painful or itchy...is just there. 

I honestly do not think that this has anything to do with medication. I am away for a weekend in the town i went to UNI. It happens that myself and my hubby, we own an apartment here. I have feeling that the rash has something to do with the washing powder used for the bedding.... Anyway, as i have mentioned, there is no way i am going to spoil my day today. I’ve had a great morning watching 10 episodes of Glee - season 2. Really great show.... and the Glee cast performance of ‘Sing’ by Chemical Romance has just blown me away (watch out for it in episode 13 of season 2). 

Sing it for the boys,
Sing it for the girls,
Every time that you lose it sing it for the world.
Sing it from the heart,
Sing it till you're nuts,
Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.
Sing it for the deaf,
Sing it for the blind,
Sing about everyone that you left behind.
Sing it for the world,
Sing it for the world....

.....Anyway the best of today is still to come !!

 My ‘sister’ VS and i have arranged to meet with our gay friends we use to hang out with when at UNI.

I am soooo looking forward to that. I haven’t seen them in at least 12 years or so, and talking today to one of them over the phone felt like we were arranging a night out all these years ago. It’s funny though, i am only 38 and don’t feel old ( i know, i know i shouldn’t have that way) but all i can think of is the things we use to do together. Crazy things, parties, trips.... So many memories good and bad. The question is... will we be able to pick up from where we left ?..... or will the memories be the only subjects we will be bringing up trying to kill the awkward silent moments in the conversation ?

They don’t know about my HIV status (or perhaps they do, i am not sure) and i will not bring up the subject. I will have my pills in my pocket as at 10 pm GMT when we all talk about our FAB lives, jobs, partners, i will have to sneak out to the toilet. Does that upset me ? No !! It doesn’t. Why ?? The reason for it is the fact that i do have FAB life, AMAZING partner, and great job. I am a happy !!!

Hope you are all having a great weekend.

Still I Rise

Herewith another poem. Thanks to Vera.


You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. 

Maya Angelou 

Elizabeth Taylor, RIP

I believe it wouldn’t be right if i wouldn’t pay my respect to a great personality, great actress and even greater fighter of the social stigma about HIV and AIDS since the very early days. Elisabeth Taylor died yesterday at age of 79.

Yesterday the Read Ribbon Army’s Facebook page has posted many posts in tribute to the great STAR. Herewith one of them:

Elizabeth Taylor was the first person in the entertainment industry to stand up and take charge when few were willing to listen, and even fewer were willing to help. 

“Elizabeth did something when it required real courage,” said Elton John. Since then she has remained at the forefront of the battle against this disease, a loyalty that has earned her the name the “Joan of Arc of AIDS.”

Elizabeth Taylor, R I P

Time for changes

The spring is here....

The spring is coming, changes in nature starting to appear all over the place. On monday i had lunch at one of the many bars at the beach and i have enjoyed enormously the atmosphere. Lots of people walking the promenade, kids playing.... the skies full of birds coming back after long winter. Wonderful. I also can see changes in myself. I am feeling good, i am generally in good mood (despite the fact that i am so far away from home). I am getting into routine with my medication. I have accepted (well....i am pretty sure i have) the fact that i am at the stage that i have to help my body with some man made chemical stuff, which is probably destroying my liver right now, yet at the same time it’s keeping the virus under control. It has been an intense week. The very important thing is though, that i have managed to focus on the positive things. Apart of the great support i am getting from my very close friends, writing this blog has played a crucial role in my mind set. Putting down, so to say ‘on paper’, my thoughts, feelings, facts is giving me a strange feeling of... i don’t know liberation. Yes, i do understand that this is not Dickens or.......i don’t know...Grisham, however you have to bare in mind that English is not my first language. Nevertheless, i do hope you have enjoyed reading it so far. One of my very close friends said to me after ‘Day 5’ that reading the blog is very refreshing for him. All imperfections and mistakes give this blog a very special character. I have to admit that it was one of the most nicest compliments i have ever received. 

I have therefore decided that i will continue to write and i do hope you will continue to read it.

I am thinking that perhaps the content will not be focused as much on my treatment (seems that there is nothing to write about anymore) as on the HIV issues in general. News about the developments, breakthroughs, successes and defeats. At this point i would also like to encourage you to leave your comments, suggestions. These are greatly appreciated.

Having said all of the above, I don’t really want to go too political with my blog, therefore do not worry I will, of course keep you in the loop with any issues regarding myself and my virus (‘my friend for life’).

As you can also see i am developing a design of the blog, i have now added additional page: ‘Poetry’. My plan is to post there all kinds of poems and songs that i came across in media and the internet (my own included) and that are highlight any HIV /AIDS issues.

Your suggestions or perhaps your own poems would be more than welcome, so i suggest you just grab piece of paper and start writing.....

Day 7

Lucky.......

There was a time when I was angry,

The Anger has faded away.

There was a time when I was sad,

Also the Sadness didn’t stay.

There was a time when I was bitter, 

Another time I was confused,

A time full of doubt and fear,

There was a time when I've felt used.

A deadly virus is inside of me

Shall I cry ? Shall try to accept it ?

....or shall I scream ?

Please do not judge, it’s not the time, nor is the place

One day, we’ll all understand and be with God face to face

The time has passed, 10 years down the line,

I am getting weaker, i can’t deny.

Reading medication leaflets, potential side effects,

These do not scare me, of these I am not afraid.

The deadly virus is my friend now, a friend for life.

I’m starting the treatment to keep him in line

Please do not judge, it’s not the time, nor is the place

One day, we’ll all understand and be with God face to face

Today i live, i laugh, i sing, i play, i run

Today i cry for those who lost the chance to see the sun

How lucky are we ? I see a smile on Your face

Please do not judge, it’s not the time nor is the place.

RR, March 2011

Day 6

I don't like mondays....

It almost a week after I’ve started the treatment and the side effects I have observed and experienced were nothing in comparison to the effects that were mentioned by my doctor and also are described on the leaflets in the packaging of the pills. I can only guess that I am one of the lucky ones and that my body is appreciating the help it is now getting from the medication.

I would be lying if i said that there is no side effects whatsoever, but the scale and the symptoms i am experiencing can only be categorized as ‘mild’. Apart of the slight dizziness during the night i have also noticed that i have difficulties to focus my thoughts in the mornings. Today at work I became so frustrated that I had to leave the office for 5 minutes and get out on fresh air. I had few small task to do and I was trying to finish them all at the same time. It was bizarre feeling, in my head I was already processing the next task or even two tasks and in reality I was in the middle of completing something else. But then again... it’s Monday and don’t we all feel sometimes like Brenda Ann Spencer, wanting to shoot somebody ? No ? Is it just me ? (Sorry, very bad joke !)

I will put some music on, sit down in my chair and try to relax......

Hey now, take your pills and

Hey now, make your breakfast

Hey now, comb your hair and off to work

Crash land, no illusions, no collision, no intrusion

My imagination runs away

I know, I know, I know what I am chasing

I know, I know, I know that this is CHANGING ME

I am flying on a star into a meteor tonight

I am flying on a star, star, star

I will make it through the day

And then the day becomes the night

I will make it through the night

Hey now, take the U-Bahn, five stops, change the station

Hey now, don't forget that change will save you

Hey now, count a thousand-million people, that's astounding

Chasing through the city with their stars on bright

I know, I know, I know what I am chasing

I know, I know, I know that this is changing me

I am flying on a star into a meteor tonight

I am flying on a star, star, star

I will make it through the day

And then the day becomes the night

I will make it through the night

I don't mind repeating, I am not complete

I have never been the gifted type

Hey, man, tell me something, are you off to somewhere?

Do you want to go with me tonight?

I know, I know, I know that this is changing

We walk the streets to feel the ground I'm chasing: ÜBerlin

I am flying on a star into a meteor tonight

I am flying on a star, star, star

I will make it through the day

And then the day and then the day becomes the night

I will make it through the night

Day 5

Day 5

New life.....

Last night at 8:02 pm GMT a new baby girl was born, Isla Niamh, weighing 7 pounds 12 ounces after 56 hours of labour and a caesarean section according to a very good friend of mine (and my best man at my CP). I have only received this news this morning and brought great joy to me. I am soooo looking forward to see the baby, which i am going to do just after the Easter. My husband and i will be going to  ‘Mammas and Papas’  baby shopping !!! Love it

These great news for L&M were simply a culmination of an amazing weekend i had. Despite the long (5 hours) drive back home this afternoon, with all numpty drivers being out on Sunday afternoon and despite the fact that some not nice person parked a car on my parking space, i am siting  in my chair very relaxed and happy, listing to REM.

I think  once i am back from my expat contract i should get involved in some charities or support groups for people with HIV. I am a very fortunate to have a great husband and fantastic friends. I can only imagine what people must be going through when they don’t have anyone to talk to, when there is no friends that are standing beside you no matter what.

Once again thanks to VicSkw for FANTASTIC weekend.

By the way... today i have reached over 100 hits on the blog - thank you for reading.

Day 4

Good life...

Today it was a good day. Despite the fact that i’ve experienced the night sweats again last night, i did managed to keep a good spirit today. There is no doubt, being with people that fully support you makes the battle with my own negative thoughts so much easier. Relaxing morning, nice breakfast, chatting about everything and nothing, listing to music. In the afternoon some shopping, with lots of goodies, sweeties, and other rubbish for the evening with TV and beer.  We are awaiting some news from Guatemala (VicSkw’s partner is there on a business trip) as well as some news from London as our friends are expecting a baby. This actually really put everything into a new perspective today. A new life will start today. A new full set of happiness, sadness, laughs and tears, successes and failures, pride and disappointments.

Now at 38...is there anything i would do differently in my life ? No, i wouldn’t !!! Well perhaps just one of two things, which actually turned out later on, had hurt some people.

Over all i’ve had a good life and i really can’t complain. I am now starting a new chapter. I need to adjust. I would lie if i’ve said that it doesn’t scares me, however i will be fine.

......and hey- new life is about to begin.... lets celebrate !!!

Day 3 (part 2)

Not alone....

Feeling better now. Being on my own most of the day did put a certain stress level or perhaps even depression. Now at home with VicSkw and feeling much better.  It will be a good weekend.

Last night when waking up at 2 am the level of dizziness was really weak. It seems that my body is adapting to the very fast. Now, the most important thing is that the blood results will show that the meds are actually working. I have the first check up in 4 weeks time. I am very curious how i will feel (physically and mentally) after these 4 week.  One thing for sure, the support i am receiving from my friends is amazing and it is helping me to get the right attitude once again. The attitude, that has helped me to live a normal life for past 10 years: I simply will not allow this bastard virus beat me !

Have a great weekend everyone.

Day 3 (part 1)

Too early celebrations ?????

Woke up at 2 am last night...soaking wet... the night sweating is back. Have to admit this has upset me a little bit. Trying not to worry too much, however there is no escape from a thoughts like: ‘the pills are not working’ or ‘the type of virus i carry is resistant to these meds’. Especially when you spend the whole morning driving in a car alone...with your thoughts. Had some meetings today and i had a trouble to concentrate the thoughts. Now sitting in a coffee shop in a very busy shopping centre waiting for my friend.... I somehow see chaos all around me....so many people but not friendly or know faces.

To be continued........

Day 2

Absolutely nothing.......

It seems that i haven’t slept much the first night. I was simply exhausted yesterday evening and straight away after taking the pills i went to bed. I guess the lack of proper sleep from night before took its tow. 

Had a very good sleep and woke up only at 5 am as i needed the toilet. As i have stood up i felt same extreme strong dizziness as the night before. I was worried that when when getting ready for work 2hours later i will still have such strong reaction. Fortunately i was wrong. I felt slightly dizzy and unwell, however not very bad. I’ve had little diarrhea when arrived at the office.....but comes midday and i felt great. Not just ok. i really felt great. Work was busy, with the amount of stress that is actually motivating. I have fixed, organized and and arranged many things. 

The whole day i didn’t think about any treatment or side effects. It was really good day. 

I just wonder is that it ? Has my body accepted the meds and now the only thing i need to ensure is the regular application ? Somehow it seems to good to be true !!!

Yesterday evening i was wondering about the time change for the summer time.  Currently 10 pm GMT will become 9 pm and I was wondering if i should stick with the 10 pm mark  even after the time change ? Will 1 hour delay of application one day have impact on the efficiency of the treatment ? I think i will consult my clinic about it. 

Another issue i need to clarify with my clinic is some diet restrictions. On the label printed by hospital pharmacy on Sustiva, i have found a note stating: ‘do not eat grapefruit or drink grapefruit juice’. I need to clarify that as i LOVE grapefruit juice and for past few weeks i was drinking a glass fresh squeezed juice every morning. 

I am very much looking forward to the weekend. I am traveling on business tomorrow to our capitol and after that i will spend the rest of the weekend with my very bast friend. Someone who's shown a great support from the very first day of me being diagnosed as HIV+

Day 1

What a night.......

Last night about 15 minutes before the set time to start the treatment i have suddenly had a panic attack. Very strong feeling of fear...fear that something will happen the moment i swallow these tablets... for 1 minute, I have even considered to postpone the treatment for another day or two, seeking in my head some lame excuses why not to take them today yet.......good thing i didn’t find any. 

Exactly at 10 pm GMT i have swallowed both pills...

Subconsciously, almost immediately i have started seeking the first signs of the side effect, checking my arms, legs in search for rash - nothing there. I’ve realized what i am doing and started laughing....guess that was a nervous reaction :)

Approx. 1 hour later i have started feeling really dizzy and drowsy....  The feeling of dizziness was extremely strong, it almost felt like after taking an ‘E’ (yes, i did have tried ecstasy many many years ago). I have to say i was slightly shocked by the strength of this reaction, however i perfectly understand now why it is recommended to take the pills at night time...i wouldn't be able to go to work in such state, never mind driving the car.

I said to my self - Its time for bed.

During the night i am not really sure if i was actually sleeping, i felt like i was stoned (in a happy kind of way) lying in my bed with closed eyes i have experience some kind of hallucinations... in my head i ‘saw‘ some strange things, shapes, colors  i saw people doing things, etc... it was like a dream, however very real dream. All these things were happening around me  and i was simply observing them, with no intention to interact, just wanted to watch them from my bed - really bizarre.

Around 2 am i got up to use the toilet, the feeling of dizziness and being ‘high’ was still very very strong and for some strange reason i didn't feel tired, i was checking the time as it felt like it’s morning and time to get ready for work. Back in bed same vivid dreams , visions continued.....

Woke up around 7 am, very very lightheaded... with no intention of getting up, i really couldn’t be bothered...wanted to just lay there....i was in very relaxed happy mood - still little bit ‘high’ i guess.

The very first observation after getting up was the fact that there is no rash. I was really relieved about it. In past i did have an allergic reaction to some medication, in form of very nasty rash and i was worried that i am inclined to have this form of reaction. 

My second observation was also very positive. I have noticed that my pillows and sheet were dry. For past few months i have experienced lots of night sweating and in past few weeks it was happening on daily basis. This 2 things have put smile on my face, i have thought to myself: ‘everything will be just fine’

I had a shower and breakfast and went to work, the day went pretty smooth although i did feel sleepy. By 3 pm i felt tired and couldn’t concentrate on the tasks i was doing. Still i am not sure if this was reaction to the meds or simply one of these days when you want to go home and go to bed....

Its now more than 20 hours of my first oral application of Kivexa (Epizcom) and Sustiva, and i feel fine.

Lets see what tonight will bring....

Prolog

Dear Reader,

First of all i would like to thank you very much for taking the time and read my blog. 

My name is McGlap (Yes, it's nickname) and i am HIV positive.

I have decided to write about my HIV as I feel this will help me to deal with the condition during the transition that I am about to experience.

Please do not worry as nothing bad is happening to me. In fact its the opposite, even if to me it doesn’t seem that’s the case right now.

I have reached the stage when my body is starting to struggle to keep the virus under control. My blood tests over pas few months became weaker and weaker. During my last visit at the clinic my doctor has recommended to start the treatment...He said: "it is the right time"
My current results: VLD count is 7000 and CD4 count is 352 , 17% (blood test from 15/02/2011

As from today (Tue 15th March) evening  at 10 pm GMT i am starting my first HIV treatment. The treatment will consist of 2 tablets: Kivexa (Epizcom) and Sustiva, that i will be taking once a day. Both of these tablets are so called antiretrovirals and will reduce the amount of the virus in my blood (and keep it low) as well as increase the count of CD4 blood cells (responsible for keeping the immune system healthy). Yes, there are some side effects that will occur (some of them more severe than others and i really don’t know yet which will affect me), however overall my health will improve, my immune system become stronger.

I haven’t done much research to be perfectly honest about the treatment available nowadays. I think it was kind of self defense mechanism  - i don’t need to know as it is not applicable to me.... Yes, i know it wasn’t really the case, however it helped me to stay positive all those years. 

Despite all the good things about the medication, I am still trying to get my head around it. It feels like i have reached the next stage of the illness. Looking at the statistics 80% of people must start the treatment within 1 year of the infection, 9% within 2-3 years, 5% within 5 years, 3% within 7 years only 2% within 10 years and only 1% managed to stay off the meds for longer than 10 years....so, as you can see i have had a good run as i believe I’m in the last 1%....

Over next few weeks, months...years perhaps i will be trying to feed this blog with my observation, thoughts and experiences in connection to HIV....

I guess there will be some dark moods entries, some sad, however also some funny and happy ones...

Wish me luck.... in about 3 hours new chapter of my life will begin....