Sleepless in.......
For the very first time in my life i have so much trouble with loosing one hour due to the time change to summer time. Its already third day since the clocks stole us 1 hour and i still can’t get over it. Please do not tell me that this is the sign of getting old. These jokes are not funny anymore.
I am dead tired in the mornings trying to get out of bed, i am grumpy at work, i can’t focus or get motivated......and then, suddenly when i am back at home the tiredness is gone. I do wonder... is that real tiredness, or am I simply fed up ? Fed up being so far away from home, fed up with my job (which is really boring in comparison with previous assignment in even further Eastern Europe), fed up with the weather, fed up with the water splashing out of my shower, fed up with the useless driver that parked the car so close to mine that i can’t get in, fed up with the politicians, with my iPhone because is too slow....
Third night in row i am laying wide awake at 2 am still, staring at the sealing, making my my mind work overtime.... and that’s DANGER DANGER DANGER.
Sometimes it is a very trivial stuff that is going through my head, like re-arranging furniture in my miniature living room or what am going to get for dinner tomorrow.
There are also a times however, where all i can think of is my life, my HIV and the medication.
All these years passed and i am still thinking of when and how i have caught the infection. I am almost certain when did that happen.. and yet, i do not have a 100% guarantee.
No, it wasn’t many of the potentially dangerous situations i exposed myself to (i am not that big slut). I know, it does sounds pathetic today, but I really have tried always to be very careful. Nevertheless, there were situations that, in the spark of the feeling of ecstasy during the sexual activities somewhere in the dark rooms of some sleazy gay bar, caused by alcohol mixed with some light drugs, didn’t care to trigger my body’s safety and security system. So, why i can’t simply let it go ? Why do i torture myself with these thoughts ? These will not change the fact that today i am in the weak 2 of a HIV treatment.
During these sleepless nights my positive attitude that i am maintaining so easily during the day is not working. It is that time when, sadness, anger on myself, bitterness, confusion and feeling sorry for myself, comes out in form of cold sweat.On top of these, now are also new thoughts, thoughts related to the treatment i have just started: Will it work ? Will the side effects not make my life miserable ?
Last night, these ‘bad thoughts’ were so strong that at some point i was thinking that i feel the virus inside of me, destroying me from within. Instantly i have thought of Bruce Springsteen’s lyrics: “...The night is fallen, i am laying awake, i can feel myself, fading away, so receive me brother with Your faithless kiss...”
...and in the morning all is fine again, apart of the the fact that i am tired again.
Do not worry dear reader, these sleepless nights are not happening very often and to some extend i do need such nights. I do need to remind myself sometimes how fragile my life is. This is a crucial factor in the evaluation process of its importance and the importance of other people that are such BIG part of my life.
...and by the way... I want to write a song !
Another deep and honest post McGlap. I understand what it's like to be awake at night, letting your mind run riot. Logic and rational thinking go out of the window. It can be tough. You may remember I had a torrid two years around 2004, and you were a terrific help to me. It is important, though admittedly difficult, to focus on the positives. There is so much good about your life, and you still have so much to experience, to share, and to enjoy. Soon the meds will become just another part of your daily routine, like brushing your teeth, eating your lunch, or washing your bollocks. No matter who you are, life is generally precious and short. Make the most of it.
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